Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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