dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
