i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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