he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
