I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
