TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
