thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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