I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
