My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
