sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
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N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
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Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
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