I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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