She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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