My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
