you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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