I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
