I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
