This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
