Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
