officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
