just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
