I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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