I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
