apparently the secret to your success is patron
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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