even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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