dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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