Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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