today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
