So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I touched a dick in church today
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
