That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
