I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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