he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
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