if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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