I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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