I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
