I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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