explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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