She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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