OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
