Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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