my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
