Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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