Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
