I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
