After last night, I could never be a politician.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
