her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
