I think i peed on brittanys purse
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Terrible idea I love it
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
