is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
