Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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