I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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