the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
