Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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