Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
