I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
