I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
