Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
