The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
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I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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